Missing You

There's clothes in the closet you will never wear.

There's toys in bins that you will never play with.

There's a gaping hole in my life right now

and I don't know how to move on!

Will there be another baby?   Probably.

But it won't be you!

I never really knew you;

Never knew if you were a boy or a girl;

Never gave you a name.

For 15 weeks you lived inside me and somehow

I loved you!

But now,

I'm just missing you.

In Memory

On June 2nd, I heard the blissful sound of my unborn baby's strong beating heart.  What a reassurance after weeks of nausea and sickness.  But on July 13th, no heartbeat could be found; no movement could be detected.

 What happened?  Why?  We don't really know.  All we know is that our baby's heart stopped beating at around 12-13 weeks.  I was supposed to be 16 weeks pregnant.  I still FELT pregnant. I hadn't had any pain or other symptoms. This all just came out-of-the-blue.

So now what?  Well, we move on.  I get up each day (the hardest part!); I teach lessons; I try to keep my busy 4-year-old out of trouble and give him lots of hugs; I sing worship songs and jazz songs with my hubby and give HIM lots of hugs.

But I am sad; so sad it overwhelms me at times.  I am angry and frustrated at this outcome.  I need to mourn and that's why I'm writing now.

I'd like to post a poem that was sent to me from my mother-in-law.

"Just those few weeks"

For those few weeks-

I had you to myself.

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-

I came to know you...

and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-

When I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans, dreams, and aspirations...

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recentlydied

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-

and no "normal" person would cry all night

over a tiny, unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one;

you darted in and out of my life too quickly.

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small piece of eternity.

out of the mouth of Caleb

Yesterday morning, Caleb crawls into bed with me (which is his custom) and cuddles up next to me.  He says, "I like to cuddle.  God made me that way"

My sweet little cuddler!

luckiest woman alive

The other day, my hubby (the best hubby ever) walks past the bathroom while I'm doing my hair and comments, "Wow, you DO look skinny!" 

 

A moment later, my adorable 4-year-old 

son comes to the bathroom door and says, "Wow Mommy, you do look skinny!"

I think I must be the luckiest woman alive!

Now a little background info:  I have lost 5 pounds in the past week-and-a-half, because I have gall stones and am really watching my diet - especially my fat intake!  I don't recommend gall stones as a weight loss technique (ha!), but perhaps I should continue to be cautious of my fat intake even after my gall bladder is removed (I am scheduled for surgery on May 1st).  

Confession #1

I am an imperfect mom.  That's my first confession.  Are you also an imperfect mom?  Let's talk! I know a few moms who seem to have it all together.  Just a few of them, like 4 or 5, but that's just enough to make me feel like there's some secret to motherhood that no one has bothered to tell me. If I ever figure it out, I'll be sure to let everyone know!